DEATH OF MARY SUES!
by ChildInMe
Summary: The title is the summary.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Death to all the Mary Sues!!!**

Summary: Various relatives of Naruto characters are Mary Sues. They all somehow suffer a tragic fate. Characters act out of the character.

**1. Naruto's Long Lost Sister**

**(I don't know if this should be called Yondaime's Long Lost Daughter, but Naruto is the main character.)**

Naruto skipped happily across a field of pink flowers, all the while hugging a teddy bear with a shiny ribbon around its neck. The world was such a bright, happy place!

Three feet away, his teammate glared silently at the skipping boy. His hatred in his black eyes doubled every millisecond, and his mind thought up of various bloody, gory incidents that might "accidentally" happen to Naruto. The world was such a dark, gloomy place.

Naruto and Sasuke's last teammate, Sakura Haruno was busy reading a book. It was quite the interesting read that Tsunade had lent her. The world was such an intellectual, logical place.

Their sensei, Kakashi, was nearby also reading. But not a book on human psychology, like Sakura, but a rather "voyeuristic and insightful" book that "deepens understanding of youth." The world was so…full of girls.

Suddenly, a kunai flew out of nowhere and lodged itself at a nearby tree. Naruto yelped. Sasuke screamed. Sakura shouted. Kakashi picked his nose. (How could Kakashi pick his nose with his mask on? Simple, he just put his finger inside the mask.)

A nearby shadow flitted across.

"Who's that!" Naruto screeched and ran in a circle.

"Naruto, I am your sister."

"Wait, what?"

A girl appeared out of the shadows (Why are they're shadows when it was a bright, happy skippy field? It's complicated.). She smiled flirtatiously, tossed her hair, looked around, and announced, "I am Uzumaki Britney! Daughter of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina!"

She was around seventeen or eighteen, had the average Mary Sue hourglass figure, cerulean blue eyes, shiny, ripply, waist length blond hair, and was wearing a blue tank top with strategically place sequins and lace.

"Wait, what?" Naruto repeated. He scratched his head.

Britney smiled and talked in a mature, understanding voice. "You see, my dearest little brother, I had a most tragic and dark past. You see, after our parents died, the residents of the village love of me turned into hatred and I was forced to leave in sadness and anguish. But I have now returned to reclaim my rightful place as the Hokage's daughter!"

Kakashi waved. "Hi, Britney! I forgot about you after you left! Everyone else did, too."

Britney sighed. "That is all right. I appreciate the fact that you recognized me."

Naruto scratched his head. "Who are my parents?"

"Oh dammit." Kakashi said. He couldn't let Naruto find out about his parents! He had to kill the girl to keep her quiet. Right, right?

Sasuke grunted. Sakura ignored her.

Kakashi and Britney engaged in a long, two-hour epic battle. By the time it was over, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura were all on lawn chairs and drinking lemondane, which is a new type of lemonade, except it's orange and sparklier.

Britney laughed. "I was toying you the whole time, Kakashi Hatake! You can never kill me, for I am so utterly powerful that I will never be beaten!"

Suddenly, an ant came up and bit Britney on the heel of her foot. She screamed, fell down, and died.

Everyone else drank lemondane.

**Short and easy. I am not neglecting my "WHAT! Itachi tells stories!" story, so don't worry. If you like this, please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

2. Sasuke and Itachi's Little Sis

**(This is the most common and prominent Mary Sue, the Uchiha Mary Sue. They aren't always Sasuke and Itachi's little sister, occasionally they are older, more commonly, Sasuke's twin, and sometimes their cousin they happened to conveniently forget and then remember years later. This takes place during the time of Shuddupen, by the way. How did Sasuke suddenly join them to drink lemondane? I don't know. I really don't.)**

So all four were drinking lemondane when Kakashi got out his pet bird, Gary Stu. Gary Stu was really ugly and didn't know how to sing. Sasuke wanted to kill it.

Naruto thought Gary Stu was adorable at first. Then he put his finger in the cage to stroke the bird when Gary Stu bit him (peck, bit, whatever).

"YOW!" Naruto yelled. "OH, I THINK MY FINGER IS BROKEN!"

"Shut up, Naruto." Sasuke said. "Don't be such a little baby."

"That's right!" Another voice yelled out.

All of them looked in the direction. There was a twelve year old girl, with an impressive hourglass figure, dark, shiny black hair combed to perfection, big, sparkly dark eyes, pale skin, and perfect everything else.

"My name is Mary Sue!" the Mary Sue cried out. "I am the younger sister of Sasuke and Itachi!"

Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi turned to Sasuke, who just shrugged, took another swig of lemondane, and mumbled, "Eh."

"So is it true?" Sakura snapped. (She doesn't crush Sasuke anymore, by the way.)

"Yeah. Can anyone get ice for my lemondane?"

They stared at him in disbelief.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Kakashi, the first one to recover, asked.

"Um, because I, uh, forgot." Sasuke answered and took a delicate sip. "Why are you bothering me with such troublesome questions? All of you are so troublesome."

"You've been spending time with Shikamaru." Sakura said dryly.

"HELLO! SOMEONE IS HERE!" Mary Sue yelled. "Uchiha Mary Sue does not get ignored by common ninja!"

"Yeah, you do." Itachi said.

"WTF!!! Itachi how the hell did you get here?" Sasuke asked, throwing his lemondane into the air. It landed on Naruto's head.

Itachi blinked, and his crimsom sharingan disappeared. Then he replied with a, "I took my yearly two week vacation at the Akatsuki. I was really bored, so I thought I might stop by at my old village and check up on things. You still lack hatred, by the way."

"I DO NOT LACK HATRED!" Sasuke yelled.

Naruto and Sakura exchanged glances. Kakashi said, "This is a family moment." and left, taking all the lemondane with him. Naruto and Sakura followed him, leaving the three Uchihas alone.

"I AM THE STRONGEST SHINOBI! BELIEVE IT!" Then Sasuke covered his mouth in horror. "Crap, I sounded like Naruto there."

"You're the weakest Uchiha." Mary Sue said, smiling a gorgeous smile at her brother.

"I activated sharingan when I was twelve." Sasuke whined.

"I activated sharingan when I was ten, hatred lacker." Itachi said smugly.

"I activated sharingan when I was a fetus." Mary Sue giggled. Her brothers gave her death glares. "What? I got something between my teeth? OMG, get it out!"

While Mary Sue struggled with her teeth (in a delicate Mary Sueish way), Sasuke and Itachi did a staring contest with their sharingan.

Uchihas with sharingan are master starers. They could choose when to blink and how much to blink with the sharingan. That was what Itachi and Sasuke were doing right now.

Mary Sue stared. "Hello? Big bro? Anyone there?"

She squatted next to them. Then she died of boredom.

Itachi and Sasuke stared at each other.

**The end of chapter two! The way every Mary Sue dies will be corny!**

**I tried to work on my other story, but I accidentally deleted the latest chapter I was working on so I have to start all over again! Oh great.**


	3. Chapter 3

**3. Sakura's Big Sister**

**(In other words, a bigger, better Sakura.)**

Sakura was no longer the silly little girl from Part 1, as all you Shuddepen watchers know.

Oh, and she has an older sister. You see, when Sakura was just two years old, her parents died in some random great war, and her sister got kidnapped by a bunch of random fodder nins. Sakura was raised by her mother's younger sister, Aunt Rin.

So one random day in Konoha, Sakura woke up. She brushed her teeth, took a shower, brushed her hair, changed clothes, and all that grooming stuff. She realized she was late, and ran out of the room with a piece of toast while Rin was yelling at her not to forget to do her chores again. Pushy woman.

She met Naruto. Kakashi was late. Sasuke was still doing a staring contest with Itachi.

"Hi!" Sakura said, and waved her hand.

There was a rustling noise in the bushes. A girl who looked only a few years older than Naruto and Sakura popped out. (Wow, what a surprise.)

"Me, I'm" giggle, "Haruno Lily." another annoying giggle.

Sakura recalled that her sister's name was Lily. "Oh, hi big sis!"

"Hi, little sis!" Lily waved her delicate hand with perfectly manicured fingernails.

Lily had shoulder length soft hair that was a pretty shade of pink, bright, sparkling green eyes that held a certain amount of cute innocence in them, an impressive hourglass figure even for a Mary Sue, and perfectly aligned features that made her only slightly large forehead charming. She was wearing a miniskirt, a tank top, high heels, and a necklace with a delicate ruby inlaid in pure gold.

"Wow. She's hot." Naruto drooled slightly, annoying Sakura greatly.

Lily giggled again and waved again. She walked over to Naruto and Sakura with her thin legs delicately touching the ground and other Mary Sue stuff. "Ah. The air is so fresh in Konoha, isn't it?"

Then Lily launched into her sad tale about how she was kidnapped and forced to be a slave to a cruel owner but she was so freaking strong she managed to escape and find her way back to her old village.

ALL OF A SUDDEN GARY STU, KAKASHI'S BIRD, CAME AND PECKED LILY ON THE FINGER! SHE DIED OF AN INFECTION FIVE SECONDS LATER!

Naruto cried. Sakura yawned.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Give up?" Itachi growled. "It's been two days."

"Never." Sasuke whispered. "I WILL WIN!"


End file.
